My Thirtieth Year
Turning 30 has always been considered a big milestone. You’re definitely an adult now. You’ve made it through your turbulent teens, where you discover jaeger bombs and sloppy kisses on the dance floor.
You’ve had your first heartbreak in your twenties.
You’ve started your career (a few times over, if you’re like me).
You’ve started to understand who you are as a person, what matters, what doesn’t and you’ve come to realise that early nights and naps are a god send.
My thirtieth year on this planet has been intense, in all sorts of ways.
For anyone that knows me, knows that I am a good person to call in a crisis. You’re sick, I’m there - what do you need? You’ve gone through something traumatic - need a cuddle, a cuppa, a hug? I’m your girl. If you need something, I’m there. I’m like an emergency service for when you don’t know what to do.
But personally? I never know what’s best for me. I will internally fight with myself over and over again. I will accept what’s happening to me because I just assume that’s what I deserve, or I can’t see a way out, like I can for other people.
This year that changed and it was terrifying. Give me an external crisis to deal with but ask me to look inwardly and fix my life - horrifying.
Sounds a bit odd, I get it. I’ve dealt with terminal illness leading to death, I’ve received a late night phone call to say “I love you”, in case they don’t wake up. I’ve talked people down from hurting themselves, I’ve done so many things that would shake others from the ground up - but I stood firm. I’ve handled it.
What nearly broke me? Going after the life I want.
We’ve been so accustomed to “same old same old” that I thought I was ridiculous, crazy even for feeling like there has to be more to life than this. I had it all, well according to society. The house, the dog, the long term boyfriend, the good job, the company car… all of it. But I wasn’t happy.
And that’s the crux of it all. I wasn’t happy.
That’s right, I can’t handle my own happiness, life threatening illness I’m all over it. Putting a smile on my face, impossible. There’s probably some psychologist reading this now like -”jeez this girl is messed up.” Don’t worry, I know.
As I write this, I know it sounds like your normal reflective end of the year post. “We’ve had our ups and downs, but 2022 has been the best year yet.” But I’m being serious, this has been the hardest year for me to deal with mentally.
I ended a 6 year relationship, someone I had seen pretty much everyday for 8 years (We worked together first), I moved out of the home I had worked so hard for, I moved towns, I’m even changing jobs in 2023. I’ve changed everything about my life.
However, as a reward for going after what I want. I live in the most beautiful village, with the best neighbours, I have my own space, I’ve been on some amazing adventures, I have the best friends I never thought I would have. I’ve found people that don’t need me around, but actually want me around (that exists BTW, who knew?!). I've got plans for the next 6 months that EXCITE me, fill my cup up, warm my cockles up, all that good stuff.
Over the years I've read plenty of blogs, watched lots of videos and listened to plenty of women who say that their thirties are the best years yet because they’ve decided to listen to what they want, not what everyone else wants.
And they’re totally right, it’s fucking hard to choose yourself. It pushes you to the end of your resolve, multiple times, makes you feel crazy, selfish, angry, confused - everything. You feel everything and in technicolour. Not just a lot of feelings to deal with but the most INTENSE feelings ever, when you choose yourself. Including happiness.
I’m not saying my life is perfect now, but what it is, is MINE. What I’m doing, who I’m with, where I’m going - they are my choices.
I was terrified to turn thirty at the beginning of this year, I felt lost, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, I was watching others achieve stuff I could only dream of. Now, I’m excited.
Turning 30 is just the beginning of a beautiful adventure and I can’t wait to see where it goes.
Lots of Love Andi xx